Since the spring I’ve been dealing with some shit in my personal life, where certain things were triggering pretty strong anxiety/PTSD-like reactions. One of those things was Murmurs (like, actually going to the site), the other was certain REM songs. I have no idea why. Well, I do, but not something to post here.
Anyhow, a lot has happened in the last two months, namely leaving my job, having some time to decompress and such. I’m not 100%, but trying. I’ll try to be here more now.
I hope things continue to improve. The past three years or so (since 2016 for me, really) have been such an incredible shitshow worldwide that I’m always astonished to meet anyone who hasn’t been struggling. It’s good that you could step back and take the time to deal with things.
Dude, take care of yourself. Last year, well, spring 2020-spring 2021, was one of the hardest parts of my life. I struggled in every single aspect. It was hard and scary and difficult. I pulled back from friends so I could have time to myself. I was FAR from 100%.
Do what you need to do. If this site or any other site is triggering and causing anxiety: shut it down. You don’t owe us anything. And we’d all understand and probably support it.
Good to hear from you and to know what is happening. I’m sorry it’s not good. But you can rework Murmurs in your mind as a place where you have fun. It’s not a professional duty at all. This is leisure. This thing can run by itself, in terms of content, so you only need to check on the mechanisms from time to time, I guess. Stay around, let’s talk about good, fun things, clear our minds, smile once in a while. I hope you can overcome whatever is going on. There is no good or evil that lasts forever.
I had an epiphany when I learnt the Am chord, Angie by The Rolling Stones. I want to learn that song and R.E.M. The Sad Professor. I don’t think they are as easy to play as I think they are, but it’s a goal, I just have to keep practicing.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time- could it be a Saturn Return? Apparently you’ll know when Saturn crashes into your life in your late 20s/early 30s and then 30 years later (I think I’ve got that right ). Anyway, my son in law has just been made redundant and he’s 30 this year. Saturn has come crashing into his orbit and he’s feeling it but has a supportive wife (my daughter!) and lovely baby girl so I know they’ll make it through. I sent him some advice to keep his spirits up maybe it could do the same for you: David Bowie – Hang On to Yourself – Live 1978 - YouTube
Covid nearly killed me. By 2022 I was suicidal. I can say that now because daily meditation and a truly miraculous therapist got me out of that place. Finding the right therapist can be a long and expensive road, but I’m now in a place where it doesn’t hurt to wake up alive and not be scared of death at the same time. 2 1/2 years of isolation can really fuck up your head, not to mention the incidental shit that came up in that time. My mobility is gone. Climbing 1 flight of stairs winds me. I don’t think I’ll ever breathe well enough to fly back to the US without remortgaging the house for the cost of health insurance. But it’s coming on spring, which is good enough for now. I don’t watch or listen to the news cos it’s all bad. Now I can focus on the good stuff and ignore the depressing crap. Meditation is my lifeline, and my therapist listens to me bleat and gives me suggestions to cope. I’m good.
ETA— I can’t believe I wrote that without mentioning my family. They all stuck by me, but I was so depressed I felt they’d be better off without me. All I did was cry and be brittle/negative. They saved me too. But there were times I knew my depression was bringing them down. That’s the most dangerous place to be if you’re depressed enough to pray for death. Families are complicated, and I’m lucky enough to have the best.
And me in a not dissimilar place to you. Still feeling the repercussions but good doctors and a great family and I’m more or less back to normal (apart from this blooming cold which has put me out of action this weekend.). I have a meditation/mindful yoga CD and was using it for 4-5 months daily and I noticed an improvement but thave lapsed. I must get back on it. Sometimes 45 minutes in the morning is too long though. Plus I have no patience and thoughts about other stuff come crowding in. Still it has been recommended for me so I really must pull myself together and just get on with it. We must be kind to ourselves Forgot - my friends too!
So this morning I have done a body scan meditation to a beautiful American voice from the University of Massachusetts Medical Centre (am I allowed to say who? That would be advertising I feel) and feel 100% more relaxed and able to face the day. I have a doc appt later on. Anyway one thing he said was that it’s important to “Let It Be” which of course put me in mind of this: