62 replies to this topic

[bizaleth]

Internet Legend said:

Physical attributes are the least of what makes a person sexy to me. That being the case, I'm bound to think my friends are attractive. If I limited my friendships to people whom I didn't think were funny, smart, kind, and lovable - all traits necessary to my thinking someone's sexy - I don't think I'd bother having friends at all. The key is that I don't feel the need to act on attraction when I feel it.

Exactly. I have had several female friends ask me how I could have guy friends without having sex with them. I asked her why she had sex with all of her male friends. She didn't know. Usually, when I am friends with someone their sex doesn't matter anymore. One of my very very best friends is a guy. We were roommated for several years and physical attraction was never an issue. He's an attractive guy and I love him dearly, it just wasn't an issue. I don't know how he feels about the whole thing, but that is my side of it. He was also in a serious relationship with another close friend of mine and that also played a part in it. I think sometimes she was jealous. I don't know that for sure, but I think she was. Not jealous that she thought he and I were screwing around (she knew he wouldn't do that.... and she knew I wouldn't do that), but I do think she was jealous of the time I spent with him as it was time she wasn't able to spend with him (this was very true when they lived in separate towns and he and I were still roommates). But, fifteen years later, the two of them are married, with kids, and they are still two of my very closest friends.

I have gotten involved with male friends. None of them worked out and I remained friends with some of them. I figure one of the reasons I was attracted to them was because I liked them as people. Sometimes it took me some time to come around to being friends with them, but I usually did. And we were often very good friends to boot. I practically lived with one as he was dating a roommate, and it was perfectly fine.

There are other times when I wouldn't get involved with a friend because I wasn't willing to risk the friendship. Their friendship meant too much to me to ruin that over sex. I still have a few friends where that is true. Even if there is an attraction, I am not willing to risk it because I know it wouldn't be anything more than a fling for either of us and I don't want to ruin an excellent friendship over a fling.

Like Donna said, just because there is an attraction doesn't mean you have to act on it.

And like Ethan said, maturity has a lot to do with it. I think being able to be friends with the opposite sex without having sex is a big sign of maturity.

[isilida 32]

i think all relationships, romantically or not, begin the same. you meet someone and you get to know them. at some point though you come to a fork in the road in the relationship and have to decide whether you want this relationship to be more than friends or just friends. once you've made that decision it can be hard to unmake. i find it's harder to date a friend after the fact that you became friends. like if you had a friend you've known for years and was close to as friend. to then decide you want to date this person is dicy move. it doesn't always work beacuse you've chosen to be friends and now you're crossing that line.

[NearWildHeather]

Good points, all...

Aren't sex, love, and friendship 3 separate things?

Aren't they equally capable of overlap?

I think being able to be friends with the opposite sex without having sex is a big sign of maturity, too. Being friends with no attraction to every member of the opposite sex you meet, however, is a sign of something else entirely. ;)

[bizaleth]

NearWildHeather said:

Good points, all...

Aren't sex, love, and friendship 3 separate things?

Yes and no

Quote

Aren't they equally capable of overlap?

Yes and no




My view on close friendships with member of the opposite sex was really influenced by something a high school lit teacher said in class. I don't remember what we were discussing, but he said that some of the most fufilling friendships we would have in our lives would be with members of the opposite sex. And I agree. It gives you a much different perspective on a lot of things.

[Kelly A]

I think that overall, my closest friends over the years have tended to be women. Maybe I feel more comfortable opening up emotionally to women or something.

[NearWildHeather]

Kelly A said:

I think that overall, my closest friends over the years have tended to be women. Maybe I feel more comfortable opening up emotionally to women or something.

Yeah, until they start throwing maxi-pads at you and telling you that you don't know shit 'cause you have a dick. :rolleyes:


Biz...some thoughts on overlap...possible combinations of

F(riendship)
L(ove-romantic!)
S(ex)

F w/out L
F w/out S
F and L w/out S
F and S w/out L
F and L and S *the ideal, I suppose
S w/out L
S w/out F
L w/out F - not really possible
L w/out S - possible, in the 50s!
L and S w/out F - just as impossible as L by itself w/out F

[Kelly A]

NearWildHeather said:

Yeah, until they start throwing maxi-pads at you and telling you that you don't know shit 'cause you have a dick. :rolleyes:

No, I suppose my male friends don't do that very often. :p

[fanandmortar]

I haven't read every post in this thread, but I agree, completely, with the original post.  I have many male friends, and have experienced several situations where the rumors were flying about me and a guy who was only a friend.  My mom used to say that I couldn't go over to a guy's house because it would look suspicious.  I finally decided that I couldn't stop people from thinking what they were going to think, and I wasn't going to let that get in the way of my friendship.

One night, one of my guy friends was complaining about how you can't be physical with someone and have the friendship remain the same.  I thought it was sort of ridiculous how it always seems to change everything, so we decided to test it out.  We had an enjoyable night and then the next day, things were back to normal.  I don't know if everyone can do this but he and I are still good friends.

I have also had people react negatively when they found out that I have several ex-boyfriends with whom I am still good friends.  (The wife of one of my exes doesn't even allow me to talk to him, even though we are both married now and we dated when I was 15.)  One of my exes is one of the coolest people I know--it wasn't going to work out between us, but we have both moved on to other relationships and we still really enjoy each other.  My experience is that for a while it is tough to deal with the pain of the breakup and whatever baggage came with it, but in the end, if you still enjoy the person it is worth the effort.

[Orvocci]

This reminds me of my ex asking me if I thought it was possible for men and women to be friends.  I said of course is and he started yelling that it wasn´t and that he hated that and there would always been sexual feelings lurking there. So I said what about if the other one is gay. So he admitted then it might be possible. I went on saying what about when you´re bi then you of course fancy both sexes, if he was right then bi-sexuals couldn´t be friends with anyone because they would always be fancying the other part.

What I´ve always found very disturbing that many rape victims have been raped by a male friend. That is so awful! Imagine  trusting someone and maybe telling your most intimate secrets to someone who would then hurt you in the worst possible way. I have to admit this is is always in my head and that´s why I don´t really feel comfortable having straight men as friends. All my male pals are gays and I feel very comfortable around them for example I´m very shy about nudity and would never ever go to sauna with straight guys. But there I was at the gay camp sitting naked in the sauna with this gay guy having very personal conversations and it was great!

[fanandmortar]

Okay, am I the only person who is reminded of "When Harry Met Sally" here?

I guess I just don't have a problem with being friends with a guy who also finds me attractive, or who I also find attractive.  Even if those feelings were verbalized at one point or another.  I have many close male friends.  Two of them are gay, and while that makes showing normal friend-type affection (hugs, etc.) a bit less uncomfortable, it doesn't really change my ability to be a close friend with them.

Maybe it's because I went through a period in my life when I had no friends at all, but I consider a good friendship to be a valuable thing, too valuable to lose over feelings of attraction that may or may not exist.  I think everyone knows that I am still attracted to my ex and yet we are the best of friends, and I have even discussed how great he is with his current girlfriend.

Or, maybe it's my experience with being head-over-heels in love with a guy that I later found out was gay.  For me, the sex thing was out there; for him, it wasn't.  We are still great friends.  At one time it broke my heart that it wasn't going to work out, but I would much rather have his friendship than nothing at all.

The "come ons" I don't appreciate are the ones that come from guys who barely know me--guys I would not consider friends, much less close friends.

[lemon]

I've had many friendships with men. It's usually okay, I have a way of laying it on the table if necessarry. The one time I did let it turn into something more was the worst relationship of my life. But there were a bunch of mitigating circumstances there, and it's in the past. I think that, as long as it's understood where the flirting can go, it's very easy to have a friendship with the opposite sex.

Doesn't it also help to have friends of the opposite sex so you can gain some perspective from them? I don't know what I'd do without my guy friends, they often help me sort things out the way the girls can't. It's just how everybody looks at things. And yes, some are gay, some are straight. Some of them flirt like crazy, some not at all. Some are single, some are with someone.

I do agree, there are lines between friendship/love/sex. But usually everyone figures it out for themselves, or discusses it and it's out in the open.

[NearWildHeather]

So...a while has passed, and things have changed for many of us. Any new thoughts on this topic?

BTW, this all started because I crashed on Okie Sam's couch and he had a fit about y'all finding out...was that not retarded?
Can I get an 'amen'?

[In the Corner]

NearWildHeather said:

So...a while has passed, and things have changed for many of us. Any new thoughts on this topic?

BTW, this all started because I crashed on Okie Sam's couch and he had a fit about y'all finding out...was that not retarded?
Can I get an 'amen'?

I wouldn't say "retarded" exactly, but "AMEN" that it was a bit ridiculous.  You've crashed at MY house and no one has accused us of hot lesbian action.

[NearWildHeather]

In the Corner said:

I wouldn't say "retarded" exactly, but "AMEN" that it was a bit ridiculous.  You've crashed at MY house and no one has accused us of hot lesbian action.

*smacks forehead*

Well, now that you've practically dared them to...:rolleyes:


I guess I can understand it a leeeeeeetle, why people might think I would...Mike is a little hottie.
But why would it be so horrible for people to think that?? I'm not that horrible!

[Internet Legend]

Is there a video?

[NearWildHeather]

Internet Legend said:

Is there a video?

Starring who? Ehh, never mind. Either way...

You WISH. :p

[Wingnut]

George W Bush said:

Yes, there is. Murmurs porn #11. This is a classy forum, we use DVD, just to make it easier for people to zoom in on.....

I hear Kelly does his patented Albuquerque Slip and Dip maneuver in that one. I would say it is a must have but I think that's the one with Red Frog doing his Mr. Banana Man routine and I'm just not that into performance art.

[NearWildHeather]

Which one had the part where Okie Sam gives head to Kelly?:confused: