62 replies to this topic

[Corpus]

But seriously, I have been through this before because I am friendly... and you know, the hair...  I also happen to be madly in love with my wife, and have a fairly bawdy sense of humor (as does my wife).  Some people are prudes, some people are jealous, some are (aforementioned) stupid, some are self-righteous, some have no sense of humor, and some are mean.  All are potentially motivating factors to act that way.  

My friends know me and trust me.  If they acted the way yours are I would be very upset.  You are clearly an open and honest person.  Call them on it.  If you don't have anything to hide, don't hide.  If you do- be honest and get it out there ( I know you don't- just playing devil's advocate).  

I believe in confrontation when necessary.  Take it head on if you need to.  If you don't need to- forget about them.  Your friends should trust you too- or at least have your best interests in mind.  If you love the boy (or if you don't)- make sure he knows the deal.

[trix]

I think people tend to project their motivations/feelings onto a situation (or worse, the motivations they've seen on some TV show).  So if they know their motivations for sleeping over at someone's house would be less than pure, or that their boyfriend would be pissed regardless, (or they've seen a situation like this on TV) they tend to assume that applies to your situation as well.  Which, yeah, is stupid.

[Corpus]

Corpus said:

But seriously, I have been through this before because I am friendly... and you know, the hair...  I also happen to be madly in love with my wife, and have a fairly bawdy sense of humor (as does my wife).  Some people are prudes, some people are jealous, some are (aforementioned) stupid, some are self-righteous, some have no sense of humor, and some are mean.  All are potentially motivating factors to act that way.  

My friends know me and trust me.  If they acted the way yours are I would be very upset.  You are clearly an open and honest person.  Call them on it.  If you don't have anything to hide, don't hide.  If you do- be honest and get it out there ( I know you don't- just playing devil's advocate).  

I believe in confrontation when necessary.  Take it head on if you need to.  If you don't need to- forget about them.  Your friends should trust you too- or at least have your best interests in mind.  If you love the boy (or if you don't)- make sure he knows the deal.

Hellllllllo?  That was good stuff.  Comments?  Congratulations?

[wagtail]

Corpus said:

Hellllllllo?  That was good stuff.  Comments?  Congratulations?

*stunned silence*

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[Corpus]

wagtail said:

*stunned silence*

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:D

[bizaleth]

Corpus said:

Hellllllllo?  That was good stuff.  Comments?  Congratulations?

Just a little full of yourself, eh?

[bizaleth]

In the Corner said:

I also said "titillation"....  Corpy is really not on the ball today.

You said ball.....

[Bowie]

Basically, from a guy's perspective, there is nothing a friend (who happens to be a girl) could do that a girlfriend can't. That's why when a guy breaks up with a girl, very rarely do they remain "friends."

[In the Corner]

bizaleth said:

You said ball.....

I know, and in the same post as titillation.  Corpy was too busy dominating his hearing to notice.  His loss.

[bizaleth]

In the Corner said:

Corpy was too busy dominating

Awesome.

[Internet Legend]

Bowie said:

Basically, from a guy's perspective, there is nothing a friend (who happens to be a girl) could do that a girlfriend can't. That's why when a guy breaks up with a girl, very rarely do they remain "friends."

Do you mean that from your perspective, there's no need to have female friends if you have a girlfriend? How do you think a female friend is different than a male friend in this regard, or do you feel the same way about having male friends? I mean, are you saying that if you're in a committed relationship, you don't need to have other friends at all?

I'm not trying to be combative, even with all those question marks; I really am confused about what you mean.

[Bowie]

Internet Legend said:

Do you mean that from your perspective, there's no need to have female friends if you have a girlfriend? How do you think a female friend is different than a male friend in this regard, or do you feel the same way about having male friends? I mean, are you saying that if you're in a committed relationship, you don't need to have other friends at all?

I'm not trying to be combative, even with all those question marks; I really am confused about what you mean.

OK, maybe the confusion is in what we consider a friend. To me, a friend might be considerd to everyone else as a close friend. I consider my friends the people I have known for years, the ones who know me best, the ones who are with me through it all, etc. To me, friend is a personal word. I value the word, and I don't just through it around at people I hardly know, or with people I chill with at a party. You know those friends you have who are almost like a family member to you? Those are what I consider friends. Maybe I shoud start usuing the words "close friend."

Anyways, how many guys have "girls" who are that close to him, without being his girlfriend? Do you know what I mean? Usually a guy will have a girlfriend and also know many other girls. But he is not as close to those girls as he is to his homies or girlfriend. That clear up any confusion?

[OldManRay]

Bowie said:

Anyways, how many guys have "girls" who are that close to him, without being his girlfriend? Do you know what I mean? Usually a guy will have a girlfriend and also know many other girls. But he is not as close to those girls as he is to his homies or girlfriend. That clear up any confusion?

I don't have any "homies", but I have lots of close friends who happen to be women.  I don't think that's at all strange, not in my world at least.

[bizaleth]

Bowie said:

Anyways, how many guys have "girls" who are that close to him, without being his girlfriend? Do you know what I mean? Usually a guy will have a girlfriend and also know many other girls. But he is not as close to those girls as he is to his homies or girlfriend. That clear up any confusion?

I'm female and I have several close male friends. And these guys consider me to be a close personal friend.... and I'm not and never have been anything other than a close friend with them.

It may clear up the confusion but I still don't see why you think men and women can't be close personal friends. Of course, it may just be you... and it may be something that you can't do. Which means I wouldn't want to be a close personal friend with you.

[Internet Legend]

Bowie said:

Anyways, how many guys have "girls" who are that close to him, without being his girlfriend? Do you know what I mean? Usually a guy will have a girlfriend and also know many other girls.

Okay, now I do know what you mean. I think my confusion came about as a result of the fact that I have at least two (maybe three, if I think about it) male friends who are close friends in just that way. Each of them has a wife or serious girlfriend, just as I'm married, and there is never any question about what kind of relationship we have with each other. We know each other at a deep level, we talk about important things, we're there for each other no matter what, and we love each other like family, just like the female friends I feel that way about. Close friends.

[Any]

My closest friend is male and I have learned a lot about "male perspective" from him. It has always been important for me to hear his opinions because of course they were different from what a female friend would have told me.
Sometimes we joked about "what would happen if we had a story..." but it was only fun and we never wanted it to happen. I helped him to come together with his girlfriend and he was there when some bastard broke my heart.  ;)
It became difficult for a while when I came together with my boyfriend because he was extremely jealous. He didn't believe in male/female friendships, he knew that my friend was kind of a "Don Giovanni" and he was sure that it was impossible that I could have a friendship with this guy. It came to the point of "you have to choose me or your friend" but well, after nearly 7 years I still have the boyfriend and I still have my best friend.  ;)

[MurmursAdministrator]

Bowie said:

OK, maybe the confusion is in what we consider a friend. To me, a friend might be considerd to everyone else as a close friend. I consider my friends the people I have known for years, the ones who know me best, the ones who are with me through it all, etc. To me, friend is a personal word. I value the word, and I don't just through it around at people I hardly know, or with people I chill with at a party. You know those friends you have who are almost like a family member to you? Those are what I consider friends. Maybe I shoud start usuing the words "close friend."

Anyways, how many guys have "girls" who are that close to him, without being his girlfriend? Do you know what I mean? Usually a guy will have a girlfriend and also know many other girls. But he is not as close to those girls as he is to his homies or girlfriend. That clear up any confusion?

Maybe that applies to guys with the emotional maturity of a 14 year old.

I have always had very close female friends, sometimes more so than guy friends, sometimes less (depends on the year, and circumstances). I only dated one, and that didn't turn out well anyhow.

I still have close female friends fitting all your definitions.

[Rachelk]

OK there are two sides to this....

I have had many many male friends. About 80% of them either at one point or another during our friendship I was attracted to them or they were attracted to me.

This is where our primate instincts come to play. A lot of times we pick friends (both male and female) based on chemistry. With same sex friends there is no sexual chemistry but with friends of the opposite sex there is that sexual chemistry pharmone (sp?) thing.

With a boyfriend they are basically like our best friend but you also have the sexual aspect. Many times we pick a guy friend (or a girl) because we have chemistry and if you spend enough time with said person...sexual feelings can come into play.

Can this mean men and women cant be friends? No not really if you have a friend of the opposite sex who both of you know you would never be attracted to each other then GREAT! I have aout three straight guy friends and two gay guy friends with whom this applies.

The rest I have not been able to remain friends with.

Ex's - depends on the situation of the breakup. I am friends with an ex where the breakup was mutual and amicable. We knew we did not work as a relationship but we still were working as friends. Same with a immature high school thing.

Now the ex who turned out to be an ass - nope could not remain friends.

I am not sure I had a point here - I guess it is that it really depends on the people but yes men and women can be friends...just when you have had guy "friends" in your life that sooner or later come onto you, it makes you a little cynical. I would say that men and women being friends is more the exception rather than the rule

[Internet Legend]

Rachelk said:

I am not sure I had a point here - I guess it is that it really depends on the people but yes men and women can be friends...just when you have had guy "friends" in your life that sooner or later come onto you, it makes you a little cynical. I would say that men and women being friends is more the exception rather than the rule

You do make some good points, and you may be right about it being the exception. I tend to think that has a lot more to do with culture than with pheremones, but sexual attraction absolutely has to be taken into consideration.

I'm bisexual, so maybe I have a different take on the whole idea of where attraction fits into friendship. I am, absolutely, attracted physically as well as spiritually and psychologically, to a lot of my friends (don't freak out and refuse to come stay at my house again, though, okay?). Most of my straight female friends would probably not feel the same way about me. I wouldn't know, because I would sooner cut my arm off than make them worry that I'd ever come on to them. Some of my straight male friends may be attracted to me, too, and some of my closer straight male friends and I have talked about this, because it's something we need to be clear about. When you love someone as a friend, you need to be really sure you don't get that mixed up with romantic love, and it can be difficult, because there's a pretty wide area of overlap. But if you're honest with yourselves, you can recognize where you could get into trouble areas and you can steer clear of them.

Physical attributes are the least of what makes a person sexy to me. That being the case, I'm bound to think my friends are attractive. If I limited my friendships to people whom I didn't think were funny, smart, kind, and lovable - all traits necessary to my thinking someone's sexy - I don't think I'd bother having friends at all. The key is that I don't feel the need to act on attraction when I feel it.