20 replies to this topic

[pebbles]

So after six years of trying to make the marriage work, my husband and I are calling it quits. We separated in January and I'm in the midst of moving into a house on my own. We sold the house we had together, but I'm still living there until I get my new house. I move on June 1.

It's been a long few months, sorting out in my mind what happened and why things never worked out. He had a problem with online infidelity, but he thinks he was never unfaithful because it wasn't "in person". I'm learning to stop blaming myself for what he did.

Moving is stressful and so is splitting up, so the last little while I've been very overwhelmed.

It's the most emotionally devastating mistake of my life, but it's also a very expensive mistake. He gets half of what was accumulated in my pension and RRSP for the six years, and that amounts to a lot. He is trying to claim spousal support because I make more than him. The lawyers fees are adding up.

I think after I move, will be the turning point where I can start a new chapter of my life. I am healing, but it's kind of a long and lonely process. Good days and bad days. I've been seeing a counselor, and I've learned a LOT, gained a lot of insight into the problems. I think if I had ended it sooner, I would have always wondered whether it could have been mended and fixed. But now I know. When you're done, you're done.

I know I will get through this. I know I can back to the happy place I had in my life before.

My theme song: Listen to her heart by Tom Petty.
She's gonna listen to her heart,
It's gonna tell her what to do,
She might need a lot of loving,
But she don't need you!

[DrinkTheElixir]

Oh Claire, I am so sorry to hear this   It sounds so complicated, I hope that he doesn't persist in making this entire process more protracted and painful than it already is. Stay strong - I hope that things work out well for you xx

[lizish]

yes - very sorry to hear as well. Hoping that this is just a short financial and companionship bump to a bright future.

So - if you don't mind my asking, and of course no answer is needed, what constituted the online infidelity? I feel I've made great friends on various places in the internet, but always shied away from meeting too many. A fire-walled real life has gone from feeling normal to feeling very strange over the last decade, but what line did your ex-husband cross?  

(got an online friend from Detroit who found out her ex was using the internet for anonymous men's room hookups, which, needless to say, crossed the line)

[trix]

So sorry to hear this.  I love that Tom Petty song.  Good luck with the move, glad you feel it will be a fresh start for you.

[capi]

Sorry to hear this.  It sounds like you know you're doing what you have to do, however painful and difficult it must be. I hope the legalities don't drag on too long so that you can move forward to happier days.

[pebbles]

lizish, on 10 May 2011 - 05:13 AM, said:

yes - very sorry to hear as well. Hoping that this is just a short financial and companionship bump to a bright future.

So - if you don't mind my asking, and of course no answer is needed, what constituted the online infidelity? I feel I've made great friends on various places in the internet, but always shied away from meeting too many. A fire-walled real life has gone from feeling normal to feeling very strange over the last decade, but what line did your ex-husband cross?  

(got an online friend from Detroit who found out her ex was using the internet for anonymous men's room hookups, which, needless to say, crossed the line)

What crossed the line for me was two-fold. Addiction to online porn which was to the point that it interfered with OUR relationship. And then the cybersex with anonymous people in chat rooms and websites. My counselor says a lot of it has to do with actually avoiding true intimacy. Because he can turn that person off anytime he wants to, put only limited parts of his true self into the relationship, etc.  When the spouse who wouldn't look at you two hours ago is downstairs having cybersex with other people, it's cheating. The counselor we saw in the first year took it from the angle of communication problems and growing pains in the first year of marriage. I don't buy that any more.

Best description of cheating I have heard so far: Anything that you would not say or do with your partner right there.

Making friends online or meeting people online is not cheating, imo. I guess every relationship has its own boundaries though.

[pebbles]

capi, on 10 May 2011 - 03:23 PM, said:

Sorry to hear this.  It sounds like you know you're doing what you have to do, however painful and difficult it must be. I hope the legalities don't drag on too long so that you can move forward to happier days.

That's exactly it - knowing I have to go through it to get to the other side, which will bring me at least the opportunity of better relationships and true happiness. It's tough when you are in the middle of the surging river, but I can see the other side.

[Kelly A]

So sorry to hear this, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. Him trying to get money out of you seals the deal in my opinion.

pebbles, on 10 May 2011 - 07:48 PM, said:

When the spouse who wouldn't look at you two hours ago is downstairs having cybersex with other people, it's cheating.

Can't argue with that.

[trix]

pebbles, on 10 May 2011 - 07:48 PM, said:

What crossed the line for me was two-fold. Addiction to online porn which was to the point that it interfered with OUR relationship. And then the cybersex with anonymous people in chat rooms and websites. My counselor says a lot of it has to do with actually avoiding true intimacy. Because he can turn that person off anytime he wants to, put only limited parts of his true self into the relationship, etc.  When the spouse who wouldn't look at you two hours ago is downstairs having cybersex with other people, it's cheating. The counselor we saw in the first year took it from the angle of communication problems and growing pains in the first year of marriage. I don't buy that any more.

I think this would cross the line for most people!

[Hezalin]

Sorry to hear this Claire, it sucks. I can certainly see your point of view and wish you the best in the new chapter of your life.

[lizish]

Thanks Claire.

Line definitely crossed.

[Sweet Fanny Addams]

I'm sorry, Claire.
That's a tough thing to go through. Your positive attitude will serve you well.

[Milsean Cady]

I know I don't know you, but I'm also very sorry to hear this. Marriage--the coexistence of two individuals that closely, is incredibly tricky. Even in good marriages. People are still human, and fallible, but the stakes are higher. I can't even express how sorry I am (again, even though I don't know you) because I think this is something people can so easily fall into--looking for attention from an anonymous source. Face to face contact and "true intimacy" are scary things, and it's no wonder people look to instant gratification from realms where their insecurites, cracks and fissures don't show, aren't scrutinized. But when there is a living, breathing, needing partner involved who is being neglected and shut out, it becomes not only sort of sad but cruel as well, and I can only imagine the devastation you endured, and are probably still trying to get over. It's okay for people to be unsure and confused in relationships, but it has to be talked about, and kept in the open. We all need secrets, to a degree, but ones that are too big, are too numerous, can really destroy us. Sorry, just thinking out loud. I'm married and while my husband and I are best friends, we have had issues in the past with our private desires and interests. I don't know if that sort of thing can ever get fully sorted out, as there is no possible way (nor should there be) to completely meld your innermost self to someone else.


I hope you feel closure and forgiveness, and can move on without losing any part of your self-esteem or ability to trust again. Best wishes.

[Mary]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this, Claire -- that sounds very tough. Good luck with the move, and I hope it gets a little easier every day to keep moving forward.

[pebbles]

So, a bit of an update = just that I'm doing well and feeling a lot better.

I'm in my new house, a smaller single-girl house. We'd had two cats, but they weren't best friends, so John took the younger cat. I'm living my quiet life with my old geriatric cat and starting to really settle in to my skin. All the division of furniture, etc has been done, so I don't even have to have any contact with him at all any more.

The final separation agreement is still being drafted, and I will have to pay him a lot for "equalization", but I won't have to pay spousal support! So that's a good thing and is helping ease the pain a bit. The whole process of realising that he wasn't the man I thought he was has been pretty hard. But as time goes by, and I get more distance from the experience, I'm feeling a lot less wounded. Less raw.

Probably just in the last couple of months I finally feel "single" again, and I'm just taking my time and enjoying it, time all to myself.  

[capi]

I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you.  I'm sure the process and adjustment must be challenging but it seems you're on the road to better times.  Enjoy the single life,  at least for a while!

[trix]

Glad to hear you're doing well Claire, and enjoying your new life.

[Kelly A]

Thanks for the update, I was just thinking of you the other day.  It's good to hear that you're doing fairly well.

[In the Corner]

So sad to hear this.  
Splitting up seems to always be very painful, no matter the reasons.  I'm glad you are doing reasonably well now.

[Milsean Cady]

May I echo the sentiments above.